I’m near the end of one of the funniest books I have ever read. I would have waited to finish, but I didn’t want you to miss out on a single moment of the hilarity. For the laugh of a lifetime, you must rush out right now and buy “Hot, Flat and Crowded: Why We Need A Green Revolution And How It Can Renew America ” by the New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman.
To give you a taste of the enjoyment that awaits you, I’ll share just one of the many, many knee slappers that you’ll find in the book.
Friedman shares an uproarious anecdote that he was told by Princeton engineering professor Robert Socolow and Princeton ecology professor Stephen Pacala. The two professors rival comedian “Professor” Irwin Corey in their ability to tell a joke.
Socolow and Pacala suggest 15 “wedges” that will be required to “conserve large amounts of energy and prevent CO2 emissions” (not prevent the emissions, mind you, just “conserve energy”). Here are four of the “wedges.” Read them and see if you can hold back the laughter (I couldn’t):
1. “Double fuel efficiency of two billion cars from 30 miles per gallon to 60 mpg.”
2. “Drive two billion cars only 5,000 miles per year rather than 10,000, at 30 miles per gallon.”
3. “Raise efficiency at 1,600 large coal-fired plants from 40 to 60 percent.”
4. “Replace 1,400 large coal-fired electric plants with natural-gas-powered facilities.”
I’d share the other eleven “wedges,” but I’m laughing so hard I can’t type.
I’m sure you’re asking, “What’s so funny?” The humor comes from the fact that our politicians will never pass anything remotely like the “wedges” proposed by Socolow and Pacala. Democrats and Republicans are barely functioning now. They will never agree to do something really hard like saving the planet. And, without systemic and committed change efforts, as Friedman makes abundantly clear, we are doomed. The joke, unfortunately, is on us.
With this in mind, I’d like to offer a “modest proposal” for saving the planet. My proposals have the advantage of being easy (they require no sacrifice and actually reward an increase in CO2 emissions) and guarantee the preservation of the planet.
In honor of Socolow and Pacolow, I’ll call these my “wedge” issues:
1. Require that every American purchase the heaviest SUV currently being manufactured. Purchasers will receive generous tax breaks. Tax breaks will be contingent upon the purchaser proving that the vehicle has been driven at least 25,000 miles during the calendar year. Those who cannot afford an SUV will receive one as part of an entitlement package that will include vouchers to purchase gasoline.
2. Require that all new home construction be limited to homes of at least 6,000 square feet. Homeowners will be able to deduct the entire cost of their mortgage from their taxes. The homeless will be provided with public housing such that every homeless person will have at least 6,000 feet of personal living space. Those currently owning homes of less than 6,000 square feet will be offered incentives to expand their living space.
3. Homeowners who insist on any type of insulation or who install solar panels or any other “conservation equipment” (or who currently have such equipment on their homes) will be required to pay a 10% income tax surcharge.
4. Monetary compensation will be offered for every mile driven to work. Compensation will be on a sliding scale. The farther the drive, the greater will be the compensation. The cost of this compensation will be paid by a corresponding increase in the fares paid by those who take public transportation to work.
5. Pollution controls will be immediately removed from all coal fired power plants. There will, of course, be no requirement for pollution controls on new plants.
6. The Environmental Protection Agency will be immediately abolished. Money formally spent on this agency will be used to create a new “Business Protection Agency” whose job it will be to find and eliminate regulations that hinder pollution as well as species eradication.
7. Homeowners and building owners will be required to leave all interior and exterior lighting on from just before sunset to just after sunrise. Fluorescent lighting and compact fluorescent bulbs will be replaced with lighting of the maximum wattage possible. Homeowners and building owners will be required to maintain an interior temperature of 85 degrees fahrenheit in winter and 70 degrees in summer.
8. Since Americans consume more energy per capita than any other people on earth, monetary rewards will be given for the birth of each American child. The cost of these rewards will be defrayed by a tax on childless individuals and couples as well as couples with fewer than three children.
I’m sure that, with a little of our great American ingenuity, we can come up with a lot more “earth saving” ideas (space limitations prevent me from mentioning the possibilities offered by hiring bounty hunters to hunt and eradicate species, the joys of deforestation and mountain top removal and, of course, the pleasure of ending recycling in favor of rewards to people who dump plastic bags into our lakes and streams).
But how, you may ask, will this save the earth? After all, each of these ideas will accelerate global warming and the accompanying death of the people on the earth.
Exactly! You’re finally getting the point. After all, since the “wedge” ideas proposed by Socolow and Pacow have a zero chance of being implemented, the only hope for the earth is to do all we can to speed our demise. Only when we are gone will the earth have even a moderate chance of reconstituting itself as a healthy, living environment.
So come on people. We can do it. Let our chant be:
One, two, three, four
We don’t want to breathe no more.
Five, six, seven eight
Do all you can to eradicate
Nine, ten and eleven
All polluting children go to heaven.
And God bless us everyone.
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